Lets Lay off the Mom Guilt, shall we?

It seems like lately I have been reading a lot of blogs that start with apologies. Apologies for complaining, apologies for not ALWAYS being happy, apologies for not having it together all the time and having to admit we are human. I am sure I have started plenty of posts like that. But why?

Primarily, I am talking about women, and specifically mothers. So my question is, what are we apologizing for? Are we no less human than those who have desk jobs and sucky commutes and frustrating clients to deal with? Aren't we allowed to get annoyed from time to time? How about sad? Fed up? My answer is yes.

Before I was a mom, I had it all figured out. Like everyone else. But everything changed upon having a baby. It has to. And yes parenting can be really hard on you at times. Staying at home all day brings its own set of challenges along with the joys. And guess what? I don't think we need to apologize for admitting it. AT ALL.

Here's my theory. At least as it applies to me, you can take it or leave it. As women, especially my generation which followed the women's movement and had a lot of battles fought for me, we are told we can do anything, be anything, if we try hard enough. You want a career? YOU GOT IT. Baby? You can have that too! Both? SURE! But I think what gets lost in translation is that while, yes these opportunities are far more available than ever before, we aren't ALL meant to take them ALL. Right?

So growing up I had a laundry list of careers in case my dream of being a stay-at-home-mom didn't come true. Yes that really was my dream. I decided my "back up plans" would be to be a Supreme Court Justice or a Foreign Ambassador to some kickass country with cool buildings, or maybe a Missionary, or a Spanish Translator! I married and divorced at a young age and went to college a little later than most. I realized that I really didn't want those things for my life after all. That for me, it all paled in comparison to building a home and a family. I had a career that paid the bills, but it had absolutely no place in my heart.

And then I got it. I met an amazing man and married him. We had a baby. I got my dream and I am here, living it! So many people don't get that! Therefore,  I am absolutely under no circumstances allowed to complain. Ever.

Enter the Mom Guilt.

Mom Guilt tells me that I am ungrateful, unloving and lazy. It says that everyone else in the world is better at everything than I am and why do I even bother? Mom guilt is a big fat whorish liar. She can make me feel worse than the prettiest girl and her meanest insult. Why? Because Mom Guilt is inside my head and really knows how to take me down. And I am tired of giving up that power.

I'm telling you it's a cycle! I know it because I live it. And I just want to say to myself and all the other moms who are feeling this to LAY OFF! Cut yourself some slack and realize that nothing, no matter how hard you tried to get it, is quite what it seems. Everything is flawed some of the time and it's ok to roll your eyes at the world a bit. Throw your feet up on the couch and watch an America's Top Model Marathon if you need to and try again tomorrow. No apology necessary.

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Becoming Mom: On Discipline

Why do I feel like the "terrible twos" are here about 10 months too early? All of a sudden I have a very independent, opinionated and yes even sometimes defiant little boy on my hands. I am not quite sure where to turn at this point. I've darkened the doors of the library yet again to load up on parenting books, but haven't found the time to really read them. Or the interest for that matter.

I think what I really need isn't someone telling me what to do. It's guts. I need the guts to find out what kind of discipline Oscar needs and how to give it. I need the guts to follow through and stay consistent. I need the guts to keep reminding myself that sometimes the good guy has to look like the bad guy.

I know that children need discipline in their lives. They crave authority as long as it's provided with a heavy dose of love. I never in a million years could have understood how hard it would be to look my crying son in the eyes and deny him what he wants. Even if what he wants more than anything is to touch a hot oven. It is HARD. And I am the bad guy.

And I need to be ok with that.

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Did You know it's National C-Section Awareness Month?

Like approximately 1/3 of Mothers in the US today, I was introduced to my son upside down. And that one moment has caused the floodgates of emotion to well up in me many times (for many reasons) over the past 14 months. I want to talk about it though. Because while there are unfortunately many women who were not properly educated about the risks of c-section and might have been pressured to have one unnecessarily, there are the rest of us. Those who wanted natural childbirth and DID what we thought was necessary to make that happen, yet had a medically necessary C-section. Those who carry guilt and even shame in admitting to not having natural childbirth. Feeling the need to explain, yes I WAS educated and did everything "right" but I still needed a C-Section. And still feeling that people don't believe you. And since this is National Cesarean Awareness Month, I thought now would be a good time to have that conversation.

I do think a lot of my personal issue is internal pressure as I have admitted before. And many women are perfectly at peace with getting a c-section. So this post is not to condemn anyone for their feelings. But I would be remiss to say that it hasn't been really hard for me and I don't know, I think there are more women out there like me.  There is a post over at Momotics about the negative responses to C-Sections that struck a chord with me yesterday. (She will be doing one with positive responses soon, so bookmark it to get the other side of the story!) But as I was reading,  I was reminded of what a truly complex issue this is. And just like every natural/vaginal birth, every c-section is different. We can no more categorize these women than we can those who were able to birth naturally.

All of this is fresh in my mind because I am currently looking for a new Dr. We are hoping to have a second child in the relatively near future and I would like to find someone supportive of VBAC locally. I have been looking online for information and unearthed a lot of old feelings.

It's been a really interesting mental process for me. Whereas when I was pregnant/planning for birth with Oscar, I really didn't have many fears. I felt prepared and capable of letting my body do its thing. But now, after laboring for so long and knowing I had to relent to the unthinkable, I wonder if those experiences will tarnish my "2nd chance" provided I get one. One thing I know for sure is that birth is a powerful thing. The experience itself is far more powerful and lasting than I ever realized. I hope that every woman gets the birth she wants. But I also know that isn't realistic. In that case, I hope women who feel slighted would find hope and comfort in the fact that they are not alone. Their choices matter. Their voices are heard and they are not to blame. Sometimes we get the crap hand. But in the end our babies are beautiful.

Even upside down.

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April Fools or April Foolish?

I have felt so foolish lately. I can't seem to get my head on straight and it is bothering me. Oscar got really super sick on Monday night and we were up a lot of the night making sure he stayed hydrated and comfortable. Then Tuesday, I canceled our plans and we just layed low all day. Yesterday, we ventured out to the store but the whole week has been pretty low key. I don't mind. At least I didn't think I minded until I woke up this morning and I am all out of whack. Sigh.

I think it's just one of those days where you question everything. I hate those days. Yet I keep trying to remind myself that we all have them and this too shall pass. Maybe my subconscious is playing a mean April Fools prank on me? Or maybe I just need to stop being foolish and think about what really matters. 

Today is Maundy Thursday. A part of the Easter tradition that I have only recently observed with any pomp and circumstance. Growing up, we observed Palm Sunday as a church, and then Resurrection Sunday (that's Easter to most of you ;-) But the interesting thing about Maundy Thursday is that it was the calm before the storm. Judas' betrayal, Jesus' arrest. His prayers, His torment. All of these things happened in the darkness of night, when almost no one was looking. He quietly surrendered to his calling and with prayer and sacrifice, he moved forward. It's a beautiful thing to ponder. And something that I often miss as a follower of Jesus.


Last night as I started feeling uneasy, I opened my daily devotional to March 31st. It was fitting for me then and even more so in light of Maundy Thursday.

Be Willing and Yielded.

If God is for us, who can be against us? - Romans 8:31

You do not have to depend on your own human efforts to overcome adversity and opposition or to earn favor and win promotion. When God is ready to move in your life, He will give you favor and promotion - and no devil in hell or person on earth will be able to prevent it from happening. It doesn't matter what people think of you. Your weaknesses and inabilities don't make any difference to God. His criteria for using people is not their talents, gifts, and abilities, He is looking for people who are willing and yielded. God looks for availability, not ability. Let God build you, your reputation, and your career. When the time is right, He will deliver you out of adversity, and then you'll see the fulfillment of your dreams.

So much of our lives are lived out in the open that when we do have to retreat for a while to care for a sick baby, or work extra long hours, or simply tend to family matters, I think it's easy to feel insignificant. It's at these times that I find myself particularly vulnerable to temptation and selfishness. And I think that is precisely why Maundy Thursday is worthy of a second look. It was in a quiet, insignificant moment that the ultimate sacrifice was made for me. And I am truly thankful.

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The Squeaky Wheel gets the Grease...

Ahh politics. I have missed you. In the past few weeks as I have been following the Wake County School Board drama, I was reminded of how getting involved makes me feel. I realize that everything isn't about me, but things DO affect me. And I have thoughts. And opinions. I used to be very outspoken about my opinions. Probably obnoxious (ask my roommates from during the 2000 Presidential Election debacle and they will tell you it was Chris Matthews all day all the time for me!) but at least I was dedicated. This week I wrote my first ever Letter to the Editor. And it was published at the very top of the Editorial page of the Sunday paper! I don't know why I got so excited about it. But I felt heard. SOMEONE listened. And then I realized, that I finally got squeaky. And it's been a long time since I made any noise.

My degree is in Political Science (International Affairs) and I chose it because I am genuinely interested in the world around me. I think I "get" certain things about the political landscape that are somewhat shocking to a lot of people (like political game play and how e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. does it. period.) And if I am honest, the game play is part of the appeal. Which is also shocking to some, especially when we are talking about people's livelihood. But it's an important piece of the puzzle because once you get that, you can move on and just work with the system to bring change. And as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

When I decided not to move away 5 years ago, or pursue a career on the International stage, I think I threw the baby out with the bathwater. I stopped following politics (international and otherwise) so closely and kept my opinions to myself. But as with everything else in my life after having a baby, I feel those clipped wings starting to grow again. Only this time, I am finally free to get involved locally. I have roots and weight behind my voice. I can't explain why really, as I am pretty sure my voice always mattered. But for some reason I am no longer ashamed to have an opinion.

I do prefer diplomacy to debate and that has always been true. If I sense you are a die hard (blue state or red) I am going to try and pull you to the middle. That's just what I do. But I'm not gonna lie. I am excited to get back on this bike and I hope I can do some good in my community. As a result, you might see my opinions pop up more around here as I decide what they are. And if you agree or disagree, I would love to hear about it.

No, really.

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This is an Opinion Post.

I'm going to share my opinion today. Something I don't often do but today I'm going there. I'm going there because I am tired of being marginalized. And I am SICK and tired of being boxed in and grouped in with stereotypical caricatures. I think that any number of people on any given day feels the way I feel, depending on the issue. But today is my day. And in the interest of full-disclosure, I am white. I am female. I am not by American standards wealthy, but I am in the wealthiest 10% of people in the world.

You may or may not know about a local decision that was made in our county. The Wake County School Board has recently decided to end diversity-based busing in favor of community schools. I am neither for OR against this decision. But if I had to lean, I would lean toward FOR. I am telling you this because I am really, SO sick and tired of being marginalized as a Segregationist or an Elitist as many are calling those who support this decision.

If you are against this decision, and that is what you REALLY believe about the opposing opinion, then I can't see how anyone will ever bring change to the table. The Wake County School System as it stands needs serious help. It NEEDS CHANGE. Now, perhaps this isn't the best way, but I think the fact that things are happening is a step in the right direction.

Right now, my home is in a low-income neighborhood. We chose this neighborhood because it was affordable and diverse. The school we are zoned for however, is in an affluent neighborhood and only about 15 minutes away. The school right around the corner is one of the lowest rated in Wake County. So you might ask, WHY then am I for the end to busing?  And I would answer, because this is my community. I want to love it. I live here and if there is a part that is hurting, I want to help fix it. Not shrug my shoulders and send my child to a school in a better neighborhood.

Many children would not be zoned for a school 15 minutes away but an hour or more. That is NOT acceptable! Children that are riding a bus for several hours each day are NOT reaping the benefits of a better education. They likely will not be able to participate in extra-curricular activities because of the bus schedules, will have LESS time to do homework and will be getting up earlier potentially getting less sleep than if they were able to attend a community school. The fact that they would be in a school with many different color faces and different sized pocketbooks does not seem like a good enough trade off to me.

I concede that putting an end to busing is not the end all-be all solution to the problem. But it does not a racist make. As concerned parents, we need to let our actions be the guide to what we want for our children. Are we better people by living in gated communities and opening the doors of our schools to the less fortunate while still enjoying our affluence? Or maybe, just maybe, could we disperse into the communities of need and get involved? Could we meet people and love our neighbors instead of shipping them off to be someone else's problem? If my son ends up in our neighborhood school when all is said and done, I want to love that school. Get involved and do my part. It is after all, my responsibility as his mother. If there are communities that need more help, then by all means LET US HELP THEM. To redirect the problem does not solve the brokenness. That requires personal, hands on involvement. And if you ask me, THAT is the conversation we should be having.

***image via flickr commons

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Read This Post

And let it sink deep deep down. My friend Martha wrote an excellent post on comparison today. It brought me to tears. Obviously hitting a very raw nerve and connecting with a deep insecurity that I have allowed to grow. We are who we are. And we are not perfect. Comparison between self and others is a slippery slope.

Let's just don't go there, k?

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A Jack of All Trades but A Master of None...

I have used this phrase many times to describe myself. Sometimes I see it as a good thing. Other times I feel like it's just an excuse to dabble my way through life. I love this blog and I really want to see it grow, but each time I read up on how achieve my goals, all the information I get is about "finding your niche", "gaining focus", writing for your "target audience". Well, the thing is, I don't have a niche, focus OR a target audience!  It would seem then, that I will need to get a job.

I love to cook, but I am not a cook. I love my son, but I am clearly not an expert on raising children. I love so-called "diy" but I am not a designer. I love my city, but I am nobody's tour guide. So what is my blog niche? I think it's the normal person. Most of us are just people trying to do life, raise kids and have fun as much as we can. We like to serve others and learn new things and form hobbies while letting others go. And what is wrong with that?

A lot of times, I feel self-centered when I write this blog because, well it's about me and my life. Chances are, I am not going to increase readership without some big hook to keep people -that I don't already know and love- coming back. And I think I am ok with that. If this blog never turns into anything other than a personal newsletter to my friends and loved ones, then so be it. If it grows and I meet new people and make new friends, then that would be awesome too.

I will keep trying to "find my niche" and in the meantime, keep on living, learning, loving and sharing. I don't think I could stop if I really wanted to. While it would be awesome to make a few bucks with this blog, I would do it for free. Niche or not.

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What do you do when you don't do anything?

                                                                                                ***image via flickr

It's a real crunch time in the world right now. In the aftermath of the disaster in Haiti, my mind is left swirling with news reports, horrific images, insensitive commentary and political backlash. My imagination is racing with what-ifs and what-would-I-dos. But if I am honest, at the end of the day, my life isn't changed. I am not changed.

I've been thinking of this for several days now and have run it over and over in my mind. I feel guilt as I sit safely in my home feeling cranky because Oscar woke up 3 times last night. I feel greedy when I look at our wonderful new van and then later think, we can't "afford" to help as much as we should. I feel selfish when I stop short of putting myself "in their shoes" because it hurts too much to think of Oscar experiencing that kind of suffering. I feel human.

I haven't been able to so much as tweet about the crisis because I am numb to it all and I feel like a phoney. And that is a startling reality. When did I become so cold? Why am I reacting this way? Perhaps I am just dealing with the tragedy internally, or maybe I am refusing to deal with it. But the fact is, those thousands of people in Haiti simply do not get the luxury of "not dealing with it". And then I saw this quote on Twitter:

Wouldn't it be amazing if we were always this panicked to help others?

And that's what it is. I am a broken person. My heart is not where it needs to be. Before or after this tragedy. I am not panicked to help on this or any other Sunday and that needs to change.

Look, I applaud the efforts of those who have been led to help. We all need to do what we can and I don't want this to sound like I don't think we need to help the situation in Haiti. All I am saying is that all of this. All this death and destruction on a massive scale on our doorstep is happening, has happened and will continue to happen to millions of people the world over. One day it might be 9/11. Another Katrina, or a Tsunami, an Earthquake. Or a Stroke, Cancer, MS, Drunk Driver, Divorce. 

How can I run the race as a follower of Jesus to be all that He is to the people in need around me every single day? I fall so SO very short and this fact often causes me to recoil into the safety of my life and family. This is not the example Jesus set for me when He said, "...Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation..." But how do you preach the good news to a world full of hurting and dying people?

And I think it's not as much about preaching the good news, as it is BEING the good news. I am not at this place, but I need to be. I long to have the kind of heart that serves and seeks to change the world. To be the good news. To BE Jesus to those in need, after a tragedy and in every day life. To be there when the media dies down and the hype is replaced by another fresh story. To be there for the Hatians, the Indonesians, those still hurting in New Orleans, my  neighbors, my family. To truly follow Jesus. Every day.

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Grace is .... Making the Best of It

Every morning when I go in to Oscar's room, he greets me with a smile. He jumps up and down and I nurse him and change his diaper. Most mornings, our "conversation" goes like this:

Me: Good morning Oscar, I love you!
Oscar: Dada Dada Dada
Me: Would you like some milk?
Oscar: (drinks for a while then looks around) Dada Dada Dada
Me: All done? Ok let's get you a diaper
Oscar: (whispering) da da da da DADA

We then walk into the bedroom to see DaDa. A VERY welcome sight.

A lot of moms might be frustrated by this. Even I have had moments when I think hey baby! Where's the Mama love??? But the fact is, children need their fathers. And humans need our Heavenly Father. We are wired for it. We are designed to yearn for the leadership and guidance of a Father and even our hearts wake in the morning searching for Him.

Recently, as I watched a husband and father choose himself over his wife and children and walk away, my heart was crushed for them. I have been walking with this sister for years and to see such a hurtful and tragic event happen to her breaks me. I have known rejection and it is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I have nothing to offer but my prayers, my presence and my support. My heart grows bitter toward the man, though I know even my Father would advise me to love.

We are not meant to live without a Father.

God knows this. He knows our hardships and he knows our suffering. That doesn't make it easy, but we can remember His promises in the dark hours.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. -1 Corinthians 1:9

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. - Psalm 119:50

We can't always choose how life happens to us. But we do have a measure of control over how we react to it. This is where grace comes in and our emotions go out. We can hurt, wail, cry and lament and God will hear us. But He doesn't stop at hearing. He gives us the grace to make the best of it. He comforts. He preserves. He supplies. He stays.

I don't have answers. I can't bring this father back. I can't say many of the things I really want to say. I can't predict the future. What I can do though, is pray that God the Father will not only fill in this massive void, but overflow this family with love, security, hope and peace. He can do that. And I believe He will.

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