I am learning alot these days. Especially that things are not always what they seem. Today at Vintage, Tyler talked about conflict and how it is an entirely healthy part of life. Not because of the negativity, but because of how we react to it. I am finding that I don't react very well. C.S. Lewis said ""Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is..." --Mere Christianity -- What a startling reality that is. I am at my worst when taken off my guard in any aspect of life. Whether it be work, relationships, family, if something doesn't go as expected or as I had hoped, I freak out.
In most of these instances, it is a loud and dramatic tantrum. I am not kidding. Many times I can make a joke out of it, but I am honestly amazed at my ability to transform from easy-going gal to all out spoiled brat. I think it stems from a sense of entitlement. I had a pretty great upbringing and a rather pain free childhood, therefore, I feel like I earned some kind of special treatment of sorts. If people don't see it my way all I see is rejection and off I go into the throes of dramatics. Usually, I experience guilt soon after, followed by some kind of attempt at resolution.
My goal is to get to a place where I can really listen to people and allow things to happen without taking everything so personally. At work I need to hold it together. My office environment is very free and the expletives are plentiful, as is the complaining. In almost three years, this is a habit that I have adopted readily and I think it is time to reign it in.
In my personal life, I want to understand people more. Surprise surprise, the world does not revolve around me and I need to realize that everyone has things to deal with that are just as hard or harder than my life.
All in all, I am happy....impatient...but happy. I know that I am being cared for. And that is a comforting fact, even in the face of change. That being said, I just came across my New Years' Resolution from January..... "I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, but if I had to make one this year, it would be, to be happy where I am in life instead of always wishing things were different."....well whaddya know.
***oh yeah. I had a ridiculous dream last night. Here goes:
I was on an airplane turning around a pocketknife in my hand remebering how easy it had been to get it through security. I remember thinking, man this is so crazy, I am just sitting here holding a KNIFE! At that moment, a female security guard on the plane came over and said, 'I am going to have to confiscate that', to which I said, 'Please do! I can't even beleive they let me on the plane.' So she took it, but her hands were sortof over my hands and all of a sudden, I realized that she had cut my finger with the knife. At which time the plane started to land vertically (like a helicopter) and we were all escorted off the plane into a parking lot. It was dark and everyone was yelling for each of us to stand on top of the roofs of the cars...one each. Then they said we would be travelling the rest of the way alone. And then I was literally sucked into the universe and I could feel my heart pound as I prayed that I wouldn't dissolve. As fast as I went up I plummeted down, where I found out it was 17 days later. All I could think about was that I missed my trip....and what happened in those 17 days?? Then I woke up.
