On Mothering and Fear...

Another post that I'm sure has been expressed 1 billion times before in one form or another. Let me add my pennies. I can't watch the news anymore. I just can't do it. I don't know what it is about having a child of your very own that makes terror so real, but if you let it, fear can pour into every part of you like a sponge that soaks up water.

The funny thing is, I don't consider myself to be much of a hoverer with Oscar. But lately, I am just stricken with grief for lost or dying children (or parents) and my imagination goes CRAZY with the tiniest bit of information. I spent a lot of years looking for love and family. And now that I have it, I have to really guard myself against fear of losing it all.

This is the part where I bring up Balloon Boy. Look, I am not going to link to anything because I am SO sick of the press these demented parents are getting that I don't want to add to it. So if you don't know what I am referring to, Google it and then come back. I'll wait.

OK so now that we're all caught up, I just have to tell you that when this story broke last week I was almost in TEARS for this poor boy. It was right as Oscar was waking up from his nap and I couldn't wait to go in and rock and nurse him and hold on to him forever. I prayed hard for the child in the balloon. I replayed all the what-ifs in my mind of where he could be, if he was possibly alive after such an ordeal. It wasn't until that evening that I started noticing tweets from people calling foul and whispering 'hoax' here and there. I couldn't have imagined that. And now the truth is out. These parents instructed THEIR CHILDREN to LIE to THE POLICE for publicity. And I am aghast.

I feel so manipulated and angry that I got so caught up in a story. Which brings me to my second story. Last night, I was watching Grey's Anatomy as I often do, and it was actually an amazing episode - dare I say one of the best. However, it was an incredibly intense show about a mother and son relationship that just broke my heart. I almost couldn't finish. It was just too much. Way too much of me inserting me into the part of the mother and Oscar as the son and fake blurred into real and then FEAR FEAR FEAR.

So, I decided to do my daily bible reading before bed so I could snap out of it. Only right now we are in JOB which is categorically the most depressing book in the entire Bible. And all I could do was just sit there and wonder what on earth I would do if everything were taken from me. I can't imagine. I can't...I couldn't.

I know there is a point where you just have to 'let go and let God' so to speak. But if I am honest, I've never really been good at that. I just sat there thinking I would be completely lost. Gone forever. Somehow I managed to finish the reading and then switched over to my devotional for the day. You know where this is going right? It's just too easy! The still small voice in all of my dramatizing said, hey mama, chill out and read this:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

Yes it has happened again. At THE very moment I was surrounded by fear and doubt and questions that were ultimately pointing to myself and MY capabilities, God reminded me that HE is the One to handle it. He gives and He takes and He makes all things right. And I don't have to know what if. I just have to know Him. And then somehow I was able to let go and go to sleep.

I realize now that as a wife and a mother, I must seriously guard my thoughts. I know that I am truly blessed, but having so much is a huge responsibility. I don't want to take my family for granted. I know that I have been given this husband and this son as precious gifts. I would lay my life down for them if I had to. But fearing that I might have to, or that something might happen is just not something I can allow myself to do. I must remain thankful and humble and celebrate the love that is just exploding within me. I'm becoming Mom. Little bit by little bit, my new self is emerging and I am so grateful for the privilege. It's truly amazing.