Hello Scab.
I was SO resonating with Jennifer Garner's character, Vanessa. Not the infertility part, thank God, but her desire to have a baby was so intense. And how she planned everything to the last detail. Aside from a few other plot details, that was SO me during pregnancy.
Then came the birth scene. Jerry and I always laugh during theatrical birth moments on TV and movies because they are so glaringly unrealistic. But this time, I thought they had it just right. And I. was. sobbing. Out of no where I was once again heartbroken about the fact that I was not able to deliver Oscar the old fashioned way. Saddened by the loss of our "moment" and not getting to hold him right away. It really took me (and Jerry) by surprise.
It's one of those things that you just can't explain. Why certain things happen to certain people. I was prepared for natural labor (as much as any woman can be). I wanted those moments. I tried for 25 hours before it was just too much. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking. Wondering if I had used a midwife or had a home birth it would have been different. Sometimes I wonder that too, but I remain convinced that I did everything I could to avoid it. And I secretly want to become a defender of women who had a c-section. I found out when I was pregnant that my father was born via c-section in the 1940s. Talk about scary! For most of us, it is NEVER the first choice. And even though all is well and I am thankful for a happy and healthy baby, I am learning that it will always be a sad moment in an otherwise blissful time.
I hope to try for a VBAC with the next baby provided I can find a Dr. and hospital that is willing to do it. And I know that if I have another c-section, I will love the baby just as much as I would if I had birthed naturally. It's interesting how things affect you when babies are involved. It's like my body is saying, surprise! Here's the secret emotion box that has been closed until now. And once it's open, it can never be closed.
6 comments:
I had a very similar experience with my firstborn, Connor - extremely long, unproductive labor and then a stressful c-section. Then I was able to have a VBAC with Taylor, my second child, and then had a scheduled c-section this LAST time around. While the VBAC was painful and exciting, I can tell you with certainty, there really is no difference in how you will love and bond with your baby. In fact, my scheduled c-section was the best experience (physically) of the three. I wasn't exhausted afterwards and was fully awake and comfortable and was able to fully bond with my sweet little girl. So don't be bummed if you have to have another c-section:-) Mid-Carolina OB/GYN is very open to VBACS if you want to try. I love all of the doctors there. Hope that helps:)
I had a natural homebirth and I still have those thought of "what if". I don't think most people have the labor they plan and even when you try to go in with little to no expectations you can still feel disappointed afterward. I think, maybe I should have eaten more or tried other positions and I wouldn't have endured the complications I did. But instead of thinking about the "what if's" I try to to remember that birthing a child is freaking amazing to begin with. I still can't believe I did it!
Andrea, I am so with you on being taken by surprise when the hurts of our hearts resurface. It goes to show that time does not heal all wounds - only Jesus does.
Love the title of this one! Andrea, your writing impresses me more and more everyday. I try to read your blogs in the morning when I'm drinking that first, delightful cup of coffee. I used to go to tampabay.com to catch up on the news but your blog is much more uplifting. :) Keep up the good work!
I have so many friends who ask these same questions. Why it is this way for one and not another I do not know. I was able to have both of my babies in a hospital vaginally. I have MANY friends who have had C secs, vaginal, home birth, etc. My heart always goes out to the mom that did not have the birth that she planned. And honestly, odds are, that if you have enough kids - you will see that every birth is different and the unexpected happens as I did with Ella. Just two totally different deliveries. But God's presence with in both of them...I had HIS peace and joy with my baby.
I have noticed that the pressure to deliver a certain way can sometimes overcome a new mom and bring more despair than peace. I have just noticed a few important things. 1- the method of delivery does NOT affect the bond you have with your baby. I know moms that were 100% natural home birth and do not have a better bond than another mom with a different birth story but same heart for parenting. 2- Some people parent to LOOK like a good parent - not to BE a good parent. People don't always have to understand what you do or the decisions you make. Be confident in your choices even if there are not acceptable to others. If not with birth, we will all be let down with our kids, our own choices, etc at some point.
If you want to try for the VBAC I know some docs at Atrium did it for my friend. But at the end of the day, peace that passes all of our understanding is readily available to us for things we cannot control!!
Sorry for the ramblings! =) You are a great mom ....and I love reading your blogs =)
Oh friend. I wish I could hug you! One of those messy life/emotion things.
The one thing I can say is that as another mom, I certainly think no less of you for having a c-section versus the old fashioned way. Who knows about the "what ifs" but God puts you in the best place for you, no matter how it works out for everyone else.
Plus what everybody else said.
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