The Onion

Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just... weeping over the sink - Pete from 30 Rock.

Yesterday was one of those onion days. It was just crazy. It was up and down and back up and then WAY down. One minute I'm saying, this is the greatest, I love my life! And the next I am crying and counting to myself before trying to console my baby at 10:30pm.

The day started out innocent enough. Oscar woke a couple times in the night but it wasn't too bad. So when he decided he wanted to start the day at 6:30 I rolled with it. I try to get up at 7 but if he wakes 30 minutes early or late it's all good. So we had a nice morning. Jerry and I joked around before he left for work, Oscar had an excellent morning nap and I got to planning our day. After Oscar got up and was fed, we went to the Library and Fresh Market for lunch. It was a good day! We came home and it was time for another nap. I decided it would be a good time to sew. I made a couple things that I am really happy with and am now excited to keep going! I made a block for Oscar and a headband for me. I want to make more shapes to go with the block and also more headbands! There are a bunch of really simple sewing tutorials through The Long Thread. I will have plenty to do for a while!

Oscar loves his new block!

This headband is a little snug for me...more to come!

Since Oscar's first nap was so long (2.5 hours) the last two were only about an hour each. Normally his big nap is around lunchtime. So by about 6pm he was fading fast. We usually have him to bed between 7:30 and 8pm but I knew he would need to go down sooner than that. So I fed him at about 6:40 and that's when the screaming began. This is the second time this week with newborn/colic-like behavior and it doesn't take very much to send my nerves to the shredder. Jerry and I tried everything we could think of. Oh this 4 month battle is ugly. It's so very very ugly. I looked back at my log and we have been having problems for 5 straight weeks. At first it was naps and night-wakings. Then it was just night wakings. Now it is DON'TEVENTHINKOFMAKINGMEGOTOBED for 2. hours. straight. The child would not sleep or calm down. Not in our arms, not in the crib, not nursing, not cuddling. That is, unless we left the nursery. Step into the hallway and it was magic. The crying ceased. Back into the nursery, mayhem.

I know what you might be thinking, OH he doesn't like his room, he's afraid of the crib, etc. And I might agree if he hadn't taken 3 perfect naps in that very crib that day and is currently sleeping there now! So we thought pain? Gas? Reflux? Interesting that he only cried in his room. If it were pain wouldn't it be pain in the kitchen as well? I think we have a strong-willed baby on our hands. A little before 9pm I finally decided he was fine and by this time so overtired that he was just bonkers so I put him in the swing and started the white noise that used to calm him as a newborn. He was asleep in about 90 seconds. So what's a mother to do? When it was time for me to go to bed, I moved him to the crib while I brought the swing into his bedroom and after feeding him again, plopped him right back in that bad boy for the duration. And guess what? He slept FOR 7 HOURS.

Happy ending right? Well, maybe if it were the end. I am starting to get used to the crying and a lot of the time I think I can help him through it. But it's those moments when you know he is ok and he still won't stop that really make you sit on your hands and cry. At least I did. This is the part that I think moms aren't good at talking about. I mean we say, "oh yeah it's hard sometimes". But the word hard doesn't even cut it. It didn't matter that we had a great day. In those moments I was a failure. I was neck deep in screaming, agonizing, mysterious hopelessness. There was no tomorrow. No yesterday. Only screaming. It's actually paralyzing. Once Oscar finally relented to the swing, I was almost shaking as if I had just been in a car accident. sitting on the couch in a post tantrum haze and hardly seeing in my wakefulness. When I moved him to his room and the crying started again, I just sat on the floor in tears. Jerry was not home at this point because he had a show. It was only me. I don't know how single mothers do it. I really don't. Thankfully this time he ate well and went right back to sleep in the swing and I went to bed.

Jerry got home at about 2am and we both slept peacefully until 3am when his pager went off and off and off about 10 times. He had to get up and work the rest of the night. I woke up a few more times after that listening to Jerry's clack clack clack on the keyboard and wondering if Oscar would wake up soon. Today we started the day at 6am. Oscar and I got up and Jerry went to bed at 7. It was a weird weird night.

I know the temptation is to tell us that it will get better, or just look at how cute he is! It's all worth it right? Or, suck it up I have it WAY worse than you. Or just wait til your kid is doing ___________ (insert whatever your kid is doing right now). But really, it's not a competition. Sometimes being a mom is awesome and sometimes it sucks and rips you apart. I don't really believe people anymore when they say it will get better. I don't think it will. I think this problem will go away to be replaced by a new problem. I think I will hate that one too. I also think that Oscar will soar to uncharted heights of cuteness and genius and I will bask in the glow of my love for him. But it won't mean the bad stuff isn't bad. It's bad. We'll get through it and hopefully be stronger on the other side.

New moms, single ladies, wives, friends, this is real. It's scary and it's ugly. I love being a mom, but at times it is open heart surgery with no anesthesia. So prepare yourself for the journey. I'm only just getting started.